THE STATE OF MY EMOTIONS

I have wanted to write a post for weeks now but it's not happening, mainly because each day I feel in a different state of emotion. Something that may have been heavy in my heart the day before has left and something new has taken its place. I have found myself in an emotional state of being with days that make me cry and others where I want to run away.  When my children were little I remember having this overwhelming feeling of taking them far far away, finding a way to protect them from the world. Of course that is not possible, as much as we want to protect them we can't keep them from living their lives. We can teach them everything that we know in hopes of keeping them safe.

I remember reading one baby lost mothers post telling us that she was giving up blogging. After long talks with her therapist she was advised to stop. She was told that reading all this sadness everyday was keeping her from moving forward in her journey of grief.  Sometimes reading sadness weighs heavy on my heart. How could it not when you have compassion in your heart. Many years ago I stopped watching the news and I was never one to read the paper. I did this because all it did was make me sad. Very little news on television is good news. I felt I had enough in my own little world to deal with.

I'm not going anywhere, I can't walk away from the passion in my heart. I think I just need to take more time out for myself, time to embrace the beauty in our world, like take a day to go to the beach. I've been craving the beach, I love the peacefulness I feel when I am there. The sound of the ocean can drown the thoughts in my head. I have been sharing many of these emotions in emails with some very special women and I know their prayers are helping me through.

One of the feelings I have been having is a larger sense of fear. When is it my turn, when will my life be changed forever. I can often talk myself out of this fear with going over my life and the pains I have gone through which were devastating to me. No they have not involved the death of a child for which I am thankful to God each day. Why do I feel I should have more pain. But then why is it that some families suffer so much loss. I think about families like the Kennedy's with one tragic loss after another.

This isn't just coming from reading about all the babies who have passed. Following well over 1,000 people from my Just Breathe blog I read about loss all the time. I am sure you do to. So many of my dear friends have lost loved ones and it breaks my heart. But this is life, we are not promised forever. I think some of this is also because of my age. Let's face it, the older you become the more likely your loved ones will be leaving for Heaven. My father will be 89 in June and over the years I have watched him as so many of his dear friends have passed away. Obviously the worst pain ever is the lose of children. No parent should ever have to suffer the unbearable loss of saying goodbye.

Our friends in Chicago lost their son 12 years ago. This is when I first gave a handkerchief out to catch all their tears.  Well recently it was my friends birthday and I had sent her an email wishing her a very happy birthday.  She had emailed me back telling me that she was watching her twin  two year old granddaughters for the day. Her words reflected happiness. I was so happy for her. Then when I got off the phone I started feeling sorry for myself. I want grandchildren too.

My children are no where near ready to have babies even though they are 31 and 33. My sister has four grandchildren and the oldest ones are 16. So sometimes I wollo in self pity.  But then it hit me, I am no longer going to do that. God has given me so much that I have no right to ask for more.  See what I saw at that moment is what my friend had to give up to get to this point. She is so deserving of those twin granddaughters. I wondered what her choice would be now. Could she let go of those little ones to have her son back. God has his reasons and I'm not going to question Him.

For you my dear friends I want to share a post with you about butterflies. I think you will love the gathering that plates of fruit can bring. My friend TexWisGirl over at The Run*A*Round Ranch Report posted this last week.

I also want to share my friend Tesha at Tesha's Treasures new link-up on Tuesday's. This is a place where you can go and share your heart with other women who know your pain.

I also want to share the inspirations from Franschesca at Small Bird Studios and the new magazine which has started online called Still Standing. (embracing life after loss & infertility)

I also want to share some quotations that Anna at An Inch of Gray posted last week. It's been 8 months since her son passed away.  I love reading her posts each day. Her faith is inspirational to me. 

I know I went on and on but it feels good to share with all of you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers always. ((HUGS))

If you have come over to For Your Tears to request a handkerchief for yourself or someone you know please email me at dpucci9972@gmail.com . I will need a full name, address and a brief description of who passed away. If you have a blog link I would appreciate that also. Take care and God bless.